Crazy Myka Fox

2011-08-03T14:25:00.006-04:00

Social Tip # 246 - Never Remember

I have a friend who will defend everything about drinking, except for blacking out. She says its the worst part about drinking. I’m thinking, “What about remembering when you get raped?”

I’m just saying, if you’re blacking out every night, maybe your life isn’t worth remembering. Most people drink to forget their problems, you’re a step ahead, you drink to not find out what your problems are in the first place.And that’s a smart plan. If you are going to get wasted, drive to the bar where your ex boyfriend works and set fire to his car, then go to his apartment where he lives with his pregnant girlfriend to steal your cat back... it makes sense that you would drink enough to pass a lie detector test in the morning.

2011-02-21T11:11:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #245 - The Meek Shall Inherit the Worst

I'm from Scottsdale, AZ, an artificial oasis in the middle of the desert, and home to the $30k millionaire. Everyone in Scottsdale is a star. They take their yearly $30k, lease a BMW, and drive around like they own the town. The only problem is the town sucks. There is nowhere important for them to drive to, and no one to impress when they get there... but they're driving a Beemer and bumping vintage Biggie.

They say that Los Angeles is the place where people's dreams go to die. Scottsdale is the place where people's pathetic dreams go to thrive.

2011-02-17T20:56:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #244 - BS to Impress

I told a guy that I liked rap and he said, "I was going to be a rapper, but then I decided to go to grad school instead."

Easy there, MC Student Loans. Don't try to impress me with something you could have done. I can't fuck your potential.

2011-01-25T13:43:00.009-05:00

Social Tip #243 - A Mid-Century Night's Nightmare

I got hit on at a bar by a much older man. He was good looking I guess for middle age but I don’t know if I’m ready to see fifty-year-old balls. I don’t think I’ve reached that level of depression. Although, ironically, just my being hit on by someone that old dragged my depression almost deep enough for me to consider it. I asked him what he did and he said, "I’m a painter." Oh, hot.

"You paint for a living?" I asked.

“Well, I paint.” he replied, and then he kept talking, "Professionally I sell mid-century furniture."

Wait.... did you say mid-century? Be still my beating clit. Why are you saying mid-century? I just know he used to tell women that he just sold furniture, but then one day he said "mid-century," and a woman crawled into his yellowed bed and he's been saying it ever since. What a cup full of yuck. Mid-century, that just means your sell your furniture, you old fuck.

On his way out he didn’t try to get my number, but he did come in real close, pat me on the back and say, ‘Good luck.” What is that supposed to mean? I’m not sure, but I think it means “I sell mid-century furniture... but I fuck contemporary pussy."

2011-01-09T19:08:00.007-05:00

Social Tip #242 - Be The Third Wheel of Fortune

I have a friend who only dates rich men she meets on the internet, and she always begs me to go out with them. She's like, “Just kind of hang out so I don’t get raped."

I'm fine with this. They aren't my dates, so I get the perks of free high-end food and booze without having to pretend I'm interested. And, if somebody is getting raped, it's her.

2010-12-13T14:11:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #241 - Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, let the bathwater drain and throw the baby out with the garbage.

2010-12-06T11:06:00.002-05:00

Social Tip #240 - Ask A Stupid Question

Me: I love you, do you still love me?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Me: Well, your guess is as good as mine.

2010-11-16T15:07:00.009-05:00

Social Tip #239 - Ride With the Heaven's Devils

Normally when I see people riding bicycles, I'm like, "What are you, from the past? Or Chinese?"

That is, unless, Hasidic Jews are riding them. They're so far back in the past they make bikes look futuristic. Are they allowed to use something that advanced?

2010-10-28T12:18:00.006-04:00

Social Tip #238 - Run Away

I always keep my shoelaces tied, I don't like to talk to old people.

2010-09-29T21:39:00.009-04:00

Social Tip #237 - No Yourself

I've spent my whole life wondering, "Who am I?"

And now I know. I am the person who constantly wonders who they are.

2010-09-13T11:40:00.004-04:00

Social Tip #236 - Target Your Consumer

The Humane Society set up an Adopt-a-Pet truck right next to the hospital...

Lost your mom? Here's a cat.

Fill that hole with something soft. For at least twelve years or so.

2010-09-10T14:41:00.003-04:00

Social Tip #235 - Anticreate

I don't want children, but if I ever did, I would adopt. I don't want a baby that looks like me, I want one that is a product of people so attractive that they had to fuck no matter what.

2010-09-09T14:30:00.005-04:00

Social Tip #234 - Quit From Home

I've had a lot of jobs and they always end the same way. They always end with me deciding I don’t want to work at a place anymore and then just stop showing up. I never quit. Why should I bother to go in to quit? I don’t work there anymore.

2010-08-31T14:23:00.007-04:00

Social Tip #233 - Hooked On A Feline

Do you ever hear something and you know immediately that it's true?

I found out recently that there's a parasite that you get from cats, and the parasite makes your brain like cats more. You think you're in control of your brain, you're not. The parasites are in your brain and are like, "I love cats." And I know that that's true because anytime there's a cat nearby I just want to kiss it immediately. I just want to have mouth to mouth contact with its cute parasitic face. I just want to make out with it, and put my mouth around its head and just hold it there, they're so cute. That's the parasites, right? I'm not just some weird cat pervert.

2010-08-24T14:52:00.003-04:00

Social Tip #232 - Bite Me

I went to a dog friendly picnic this weekend and while petting someone's dachshund I made the mistake of saying, "Wow, this dog is so soft." Immediately another dog owner pushed the dachshund away and shoved her own dog in front of me saying, "My dog is soft! Pet my dog! She's so soft, isn't she?"

Oh, did I say that someone else's dog was soft? I meant that I liked that other dog's owner better.

2010-08-15T16:47:00.014-04:00

Social Tip #231 - Hang Meow To Dry

I walked through an ASPCA pet adoption truck today because misery loves company. It was full of used cats and dogs, all of them came with a sob story.

“Meet Pickles! Pickles is a three year old tabby who has been fed only pickle juice and screams in her sleep. Pickles is waiting for the right family to show her what love is."
“Here lies Casserole (2010-2010)! Casserole died while stuck under the commercial restaurant oven he was born in. Casserole has been tested positive for worms, feline HIV, and HIV."
It was like a feral haunted house.
They might have been autopsies.

2010-08-11T10:15:00.004-04:00

Social Tip # 230 - If You Can't Say Anything Nice, Say Something (with) Mean(ing)

A serious painter just told me that "ambiguity is fun." What is that supposed to mean?

Am I having fun yet?

2010-08-09T10:29:00.006-04:00

Social Tip #229 - Youth In Hot Pants

They are making designer diapers. Faux denim hot pants for your baby to piss and shit into. That's best case scenario. If you put those diapers on your baby and it doesn't piss and shit into them,you have an even bigger problem than being a rich douche bag.

What are you doing spending all of your money on your baby like that? What do you think it is, a dog? What's next, you're going to let it sleep in bed with you? Feed it people food? When it gets sick will you take it to the humane society to be euthanized? No, you won't. The humane society is for animals, not humans. Only our pets receive that level of dignity in death. When people refer to being left to die like a dog, I assume they are bragging that they were flown to Portland and administered opiates to ease the pain.

And I don't get the whole hot pants aspect of them. Who are you trying to get to fuck your baby? What park are you taking your baby to, Port Authority?

I'm waiting for the hot pants you can piss and shit into for adults. I'm not talking about adult diapers like depends, these hot pants won't be for people who need them, they will be for people who want them. Like Lindsay Lohan.

2010-07-25T18:34:00.011-04:00

Social Tip #228 - Go Up on the Governor

There are a million signs posted along the West Side Highway for the heliport. "This way to the Heliport... Heliport in two lefts.... Heliport next left.... Heliport." They don't need that many signs. There aren't a lot of new faces at the heliport, people who use and own helicopters are repeat visitors. And they don't drive themselves, they can afford drivers who know where they're going and ride in limos with GPS machines.

No one is like, "I just bought a helicopter, now where in the hell do I land this thing?"

My problem isn't that the signs are a big "fuck you" to the people who have to look at them while stuck in traffic. Fuck the people in traffic, at least they have cars. I have to take the G-train and suffer constant unannounced disruptions. The last time I rode the G-train it stopped at a sliding-scale gyno and force-pap smeared me. No signs were posted. They must have used up all the signage on the heliport.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform

2010-07-10T17:38:00.005-04:00

Social Tip #227 - Just Sane, No

I am a really nervous person. I've been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. I got a stomach ulcer when I was nine.

I would try medication, but the thought of becoming addicted to anti-anxiety pills freaks me out.

2010-06-20T08:21:00.007-04:00

Social Tip #226 - World War W-2

It is said that if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. I know that's true, because I love to bomb at job interviews.

If I had a nickel for every job interview I bombed, I wouldn't need a job.

2010-06-09T22:26:00.008-04:00

Social Tip #225 - Join The Mile Below Club

In high school my gay friend Adam's dad was an executive at American Airlines and had logo-laden model planes all around his office. One day Adam broke the wings off one and taught me and my friend Heather how to give a blow job.

"Here comes the airplane!"

2010-06-01T04:13:00.002-04:00

Social Tip #224 - Get Got

After getting off stage at a stand up show a guy came up to me and said, "Hey, I wanted you to know that I get you. Even though the rest of the audience didn't really get you, I got you."

You don't get me. If you got me, you would know that I need everybody to get me and you wouldn't have said that to me. You don't fucking get me. Fuck you, my one fan, you don't get me.

2010-05-23T14:38:00.006-04:00

Social Tip #223 - Use Your Words

"Same diff."

Remember same diff? What did that mean?

"I was wrong."

2010-05-18T09:24:00.003-04:00

Social Tip #222 - Clear the Smoke Screen

I hate that weed is called a "gateway drug."

Weed isn't a gateway to anything. It isn't a gateway to other drugs, it isn't a gateway to a career, it isn't a gateway to washing your clothes.

Weed isn't a gateway to anything, except maybe thinking about getting more weed, the only side effect of which is stoner stress.

*stoner stress (n) - A weed smoker's anxiety that his drug dealer will arrive before he has had a chance to hit the ATM.

2010-05-10T15:49:00.003-04:00

Social Tip #221 - Sing Empty Nursery Rhymes

First comes love,

then comes marriage,

then comes the baby in the baby miscarriage.

2010-05-04T13:40:00.009-04:00

Social Tip #220 - Interview With A Temp-Hire

I am not good at job interviews, but I don't think I should be. I am not interviewing to be an interviewee. One lady asked me what my five year plan was. I don't have a five year plan. I'm not totally straight with what I'm going to eat for lunch. I winged it and said, "I guess my five year plan will start with me leaving this interview and going to eat a bowl of soup. Don't worry, it won't be my first soup. I have a lot of soup experience. Once I get the job I'm just going to be walking your dogs, right? You won't be asking me questions that make me feel bad about my life decisions every time I come into work, right?"

If I had a real five year plan, I would have started it five years ago.

2010-04-29T21:05:00.007-04:00

Social Tip #219 - Won't You KGB My Neighbor?

So I'm going up the stairs and my angry Russian neighbor lunges out and screams "You walk like a pedophile!"

And I'm like, "What the fuck does that mean?"

I went around asking anyone who might know Russian about it, "Walking like a pedophile, is that like a thing you say? Does it mean anything?"

Because, to me, I would think a pedophile walks really quietly to not get caught.

It turned out nobody had ever heard of the phrase, so all I can think is that maybe my angry neighbor is angry because he was molested by somoene who wore high-heeled boots.

2010-04-28T13:11:00.004-04:00

Social Tip #218 - Cut Deeply

I discovered that even though my family is Jewish, we also have a coat of arms.

It features the double-edged sword.

2010-04-20T13:08:00.010-04:00

Social Tip #217 - Become a Cliche

Last night someone asked me "How's it going?"

And I responded, "Not so bad it hurts, not so good it pays."

And there it was: an instant classic.

No one ever wonders where these lines come from, but they come from me. They come from people like me. And I'm worried that this great thing I said will be lost to the masses so, for the record, I said it first.

I know it is petty to lay claim like this, but I am petty. I have to be, I don't have anything. I don't even have friends that I like. Credit is all I am going to get.

The only other alternative I have is using the line in real life and then quoting myself afterward:

"Not so bad it hurts, not so good it pays. -- Myka Fox"

It is no worse than what Twitter is -- a copyright center for egomaniacs.

Follow me: http://twitter.com/MykaFox

2010-04-14T18:36:00.004-04:00

Social Tip #216 - Taste the Truth

Remember the tongue map?

Turns out, it was all a lie! Every part of your tongue can taste every taste.

Students have been testing the tongue map as a science project for generations, if we hadn't all been grade mongers or idiots that theory could have been disproved decades ago.

2010-04-10T11:23:00.004-04:00

Social Tip #215 - Divide and Conquer

I wouldn't say I'm a fan of most abortions, but I am partial to birth abortions.

2010-04-05T01:19:00.007-04:00

Social Tip #214 - Hang In There, Baby

I met someone who worked at a suicide hotline. I said that sounded like the worst job in the world, and that the people who work at suicide hotlines probably need to talk to somebody as much as the people who call in. She told me most people who volunteer at suicide hotlines have actually attempted suicide themselves.

That makes sense. Those who can't do, teach.

2010-04-01T20:36:00.001-04:00

Social Tip #213 - Find Shlomo

It depresses me to see twins and triplets dressed up the same, and today I saw over one hundred Hasidic Jews in the park. It's wrong to say that any one race looks alike, but they are doing it on purpose.

It's like a practical joke by the Jews on everyone else, originally, and now on themselves.

"Hey uh, lets all freak everyone out and wear the same thing tomorrow. And everyday. Forever. It'll be a hoot."

Their world is a Hasidic Where's Waldo.

2010-03-30T21:56:00.006-04:00

Social Tip #212 - Preserve Your Memories

What's this? This thing is a souvenir I got to remember the time I stole this thing.

http://www.loupiote.com/moderate/photos/2633654814.shtml

2010-03-28T13:11:00.013-04:00

Social Tip #211 - Attend To Your Deficits

When will people recognize my genius? When I finish reading my ADD book?

I doubt it. By then people will be saying, "Where has Myka been?" Because thirty years have passed. It's a long book.

Who writes a 500 page book for people with ADD? It says IN THE BOOK that many people with ADD have never finished a book. If they wanted us to get all the content, they should have published multiple books, and only put the relevant information in the first thirty pages of each.

To wit: I use books I'm reading to bookmark books I'm reading.

2010-03-26T23:29:00.002-04:00

Social Tip #210 - Slip Through the Cracks

I love crackheads. Unlike the other street snobs (belligerent homeless, Hasidic Jews, etc.), crackheads are so oblivious to reality that they can be stared at freely.

Beware, though, the crackhead curse! Never look one in the eyes.

If you look a crackhead in the eyes, you're next.

2010-03-26T02:27:00.002-04:00

Social Tip #209 - Avoid Calculating People

China is going to take over the world because the Chinese are all about accuracy.

Chinese people are so accurate, they're Japanese.

2010-03-21T18:07:00.004-04:00

Social Tip #208 - Celebrate St. Patrick

Hey, people on the street, stop asking me if I'm all right. I'm better than all right, I'm drunk.

2010-03-17T11:49:00.007-04:00

Social Tip #207 - Sniff and Scratch

I don't understand why cocaine enjoys so much popularity. I didn't even have fun the last three thousand times I did it.

2010-03-14T13:03:00.002-04:00

Social Tip #206 - Mystery Solved!

Jesus was the preeminent player of the game. He'd all be like "Oh, I'm not into fucking."

Withholding sex is the ultimate neg.

Girls stood around fuming, "Seriously, a guy with a body like that? Come on, what are you, gay?"

2010-03-13T19:44:00.003-05:00

Social Tip #205 - Check Your Privacy Settings

I was wandering down the street, drunk. And this strange guy walks up to me and asks, "What are you looking for?"

At first I was like, "Woah, that's too personal, man." And then I realized he was selling drugs.

Even still.

2010-03-08T17:34:00.014-05:00

Social Tip #204 - Learn Chinese - 学习中文 (Xuéxí zhōngwén)

When China finally takes over the world and refuses to speak to us in English, don't curse your bad luck, they gave us every fucking chance.

2010-03-03T15:33:00.008-05:00

Social Tip #203 - Some Are Greater Than Their Whole

Every person is unique, and that's what makes you special. Unless you are twins.

Then you are special, but only for being a creepy, creepy twin.

Identical twins are freaks who make everybody uncomfortable, here is the math to prove it:

Where U is Uniqueness, each person's Uniqueness is valued at one,

U = 1

But Twins, T, are not people, they are creepy people that exist as one person, sharing one Uniqueness,

T = U

Each set of Twins is by definition made up of two partial people, let's call them "twindividuals" (twins a and b), where each twindividual apart from each other is t,

T = t(a) + t(b)

Or,

T = 2t

Thus, each t is worth half a Person, and is valued at half Uniqueness,

t(a) = T/2 = U/2 = 1/2

Twinness has its own individual Uniqueness, and bears the Uniqueness value of one. T(a), Twin A in the company of Twin B, bears the uniqueness of itself, and shares half the uniqueness of T with Twin B, T(b).

T(a) = t(a) + T(b)/2

T(b) = t(b) + T(a)/2

As such, their combined value is two unique people,

T(a) + T(b) = 2U

Therefore, they are worth four times as much together as they are apart. That's defies the laws of nature! It does explain their insistence on making everyone uncomfortable by hanging out together, I would defy the laws of nature if I could, too.

Twins = Freaks!

2010-03-02T14:22:00.003-05:00

Social Tip #202 - Don't Stand So

My impression of the guy at the bar who was standing too close to me:

"Are we talking or making out? You decide."

2010-02-25T13:03:00.007-05:00

Social Tip #201 - Hurry Up and Die

If you have the time to complain that you are in a rush, you are not in a real rush. A gazelle doesn't check its watch when it is being chased by a lion.

When a gazelle is running late, it could die.

A near death experience. That's a rush.

2010-02-20T15:27:00.017-05:00

Social Tip #200 - It's Pathetic To Be The King

Royal titles precede the name, such as King Erick or Prince Charles. So who the fuck are Eric King or Charles Prince? Did you just make up a title and stick it on the end of your name and hope we wouldn't know? We know you're not a real king.

(Doctor Doctor, give me the news; I gotta bad case of thinking your name is stupid.)

2010-02-13T21:38:00.008-05:00

Social Tip #199 - Talk To The Hand

Me: Sometimes I feel like you blame me for things.

Hand: It's your fault that you feel that way.

2010-02-10T14:24:00.015-05:00

Social Tip #198 - An Apple a Day Keeps The Garden Away

The original sin was eating an apple from the tree of knowledge, so why are we eating apples?

God: Listen, guys, I don't want to be the prick here, but you're forcing me to banish you.

Adam: Whatever. So what about this knowledge?

God: Rules, mostly. Don't eat any shellfish.

Eve: Okay... no shellfish... and no apples. Got it.

God: Oh no, you can still totally eat apples. Jesus, pay attention.

God is more like a dick manager at The Olive Garden than the Garden of Eden.

It's shit like this that's got people confused enough to eat disgusting, disgusting pig's feet. It is specifically said not to eat anything with cloven hooves, but the people down here are like, "So we can chop off the hooves and then eat the animal and the hooves?"

The REAL original sin? There shouldn't have been any apples to begin with.

2010-02-08T13:25:00.005-05:00

Social Tip #197 - Fuck You, Cookie

I got two fortunes in my fortune cookie. The first one read: Follow your sense of humor, it will never lead you astray. The second read: Just kidding.

Fuck you, cookie.

2010-02-05T20:00:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #196 - Go Find Yourself

I hate it when people tell me I need to "find myself."

Where am I supposed to be? I'm right here.

How about this, I'm leaving. Now it's your turn to find me. Better yet, why don't you get lost?

2010-02-04T10:30:00.017-05:00

Social Tip #195 - World Of The Wars

Why are we numbering our World Wars? Was "The Nazi War" too hard to remember? What about "The Hogan's Heroes War"? Will there be so many giant wars that we'll need to number them to keep track? It's like a cynical Dewey Decimal system for a library of barbarism.

There were wars that covered the globe long before there were Germans to start picking fights, and since the first two were so sequenced, they have remained the only two. Two!

That's not even enough to begin a subset in an outline.

(subsets!)

There have been less world wars than there have been Die Hards.

(Die Commie Fascists!)

World War One was originally called The "Great" War. The "Yeah, I know a bunch of people died and lives were ruined, but at least what we did was so great that it will never be topped" War. Kind of optimistic, really.

And it wasn't topped; it was equaled. Worse, it was sequeled. So don't forget to use your Roman numerals. WW with an I. I. Me. It's all about the I.

"I was part the greatest war. I did it. Me."

"Oh yeah? Ever heard of WWII? My war was so big, I am in there twice."

Maybe there haven't been any new World War franchises because they don't want to be forced to include "V" in the equation. It looks too much like a "U." With narcissists at the helm, U will never be included.

2010-02-02T21:31:00.003-05:00

Social Tip #194 - Give Peace A Fat Chance

I saw a fat kid on a scooter. I hate children; they're the only creatures that can cry and be on wheels at the same time.

2010-02-02T12:07:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #193 - The More You No

The motto for the NY state lottery is "Hey, you never know." But I always know, after the lottery has been drawn and I'm a big loser. That's something I've known the whole time.

2010-01-28T19:57:00.003-05:00

Social Tip #192 - Leggo My Legacy

Don't bother trying to leave a legacy. Dinosaurs were here for a 165 million years and all it is ever said they did was roam the earth.

That's not all they did, it's just all they do now.

2010-01-26T12:23:00.008-05:00

Social Tip # 191 - Let Me Know Her Better

"Hold the fucking door, I just had leg surgery!"

A woman jumped through the closing doors of the F train, no limping, no crutches, and continued what appeared to be an ongoing phone conversation despite being underground.

"...On the F train. The fucking F train... (notices stroller across from her) ...Oh, I'm sorry, you have a child....Who am I with? My pussy, my ass, my nose, and my brother. Oh wait, and my mouth. All my holes."

I execute a sideways stare to investigate the new love of my life. She is a twenty-something woman in fatigues and fishnets, and while I am trying not to look at her, she is looking around at everyone else and we make eye contact. If she sensed my love/fear, she was not changed by it.

"I don't got a dick, you got a dick. And that shit ain't clean."

I don't believe in God, but I said a little prayer just in case. Please let this woman be going where I'm going. Let me know her better.

"That's not red wine, there's blood on my lip from fighting with my dog. You have nice teeth, ya bitch!"

Then she did a little dance and jumped out the train doors as they were closing at the next stop.

If I never see her again, God doesn't exist.

2010-01-25T14:53:00.005-05:00

Social Tip #190 - Face Your Fears

I sometimes work at a cosmetics dynasty where people daily dress up like runway models and discuss how soon they expect to be getting engaged. One executive required her entire office be rearranged, including rewiring her outlets, because she "can't face west."

All these people should march right into the incinerator.

"I can't. The incinerator is facing west."

2010-01-22T18:30:00.001-05:00

Social Tip #189 - Take One To Know Won

In high school my choir awarded me with the "Most Improved Singer" award. It was the only thing I had ever won. I won the same award again the following year. The triumph was not that I had improved so much, but that I had so much to improve. Winning feels like losing.

2010-01-19T10:31:00.008-05:00

Social Tip #188 - Hate By Numbers

If most of these women think they've made a mistake having an abortion, then most of these women probably made a mistake thinking they've made a mistake. They make mistakes all the time, who can say which mistakes are really mistakes?

The only people who have definitely made mistakes are the statisticians. I bet ninety percent of women who have had abortions aren't even alive.

.

2010-01-18T13:54:00.007-05:00

Social Tip #187 - Don't Powder Your Fetus

No. No no no. Google Ads put a giant pro-life banner on my blog. It's like they don't even read it at all. Don't you know that I hate carrying pregnancies to term, Google Ads? Have you no soul?

What is a pro-life product? I'll tell you this, it is not a live baby. Heritage House makes models of fetuses in varying stages. Gross. Here is how they describe them:

"The baby’s weight and the feeling of the skin is so real that people want to cuddle and protect them."

I'm pretty sure you shouldn't cuddle a two-week-old fetus. Unless you are on death row, then pretty much anything you do is fair game.

"Just like a real preborn, they recoil when you move their features."

I recoiled when I heard this description. What the fuck is a preborn? Their scientific evidence is clearly dubious. A real preborn is called a fetus, and if you are able to "move their features," then it is outside of the womb because you have aborted it. Don't you know you shouldn't play with your aborted fetus, weirdo?

"Their care even includes an occasional powdering, just like real babies."

Please do not powder your fetus.

Here is a picture of what we are talking about. This set is displayed in "Ethnic Black," because the good pro-lifer doesn't use racially assumptive propaganda.

2010-01-18T12:25:00.001-05:00

Social Tip #186 - Refund Madness

A couple years ago I met a guy who wanted to get into a relationship after two dates. Despite his obvious desperation, I said yes. Getting into a relationship too soon is like buying something on sale: it's probably damaged, but you might as well get it at the discounted price now, you can always return it later.

2010-01-12T12:04:00.003-05:00

Social Tip #185 - New World Hoarder

I don't understand America's need to organize everything and stick it in a labeled container. It's still the same mess, it's still a mass of papers and business cards and bullshit, but sealed airtight in a plastic box. To keep the mess fresh, I guess.

2010-01-08T11:56:00.003-05:00

Social Tip #184 - Robot-Class Hero

A lot of people are complaining that computers and robots are taking jobs from real workers. I say, "Good! Let the computers do the work! Let the people rest; the work's still gettin' done, right?"

I don't see any harm, as long as the Chinese people don't realize they're not robots before they have built enough robots to replace themselves.

2010-01-06T09:55:00.011-05:00

Social Tip #183 - Drink Iced Coffee

I got into an argument with a pro-lifer outside a coffee shop. She tried to prove a fetus was alive by telling me that it already had fingernails and tooth buds.

Yeah? So does a corpse. I think you need to narrow your definition of alive.

If the woman hadn't thrown hot coffee in my face, I imagine the pro-lifer's next logical point would be to say that a corpse doesn't have a beating heart.

And I would say, a chicken has a beating heart, but nobody puts a "Chicken On Board" sign on the back of their car. Would you trap your fetus in a cage until you eventually cut its head off and watched it run around with blood spurting out of its neck? No, you wouldn't, because unlike a stupid chicken, a fetus can't run.

Then the pro-lifer would throw hot coffee in my face again.

2010-01-04T18:27:00.003-05:00

Social Tip #182 - Turn That Frown Upside-Down

On "Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew" the doctor told this girl that she smiled all the time because she didn't want to show others how hurt she was on the inside, so now I try not to smile because I don't want people thinking I'm molested.

2009-12-31T10:26:00.007-05:00

Social Tip #181 - Blessed Be Those Guys

The only people who should believe in God are the people who have everything, or the people who have nothing, because those are the people who either appreciate him or need him the most. Everyone else has had to work alone for their meager scraps.Was God there when my electricity went out for only a couple days? What was the master plan then? Let there be light... after a little while.

But don't you remember when your footprints weren't there?

Yes. There are never any footprints, because I'm not rich enough to live near a beach. You haven't blessed me with a beach house. If God was handing out blessings, he could have blessed me more, is all I am saying.

2009-12-23T11:36:00.003-05:00

Social Tip #180 - Mind Your Manners

If you're ever working in retail and a customer is bothering you, no matter what they do, just say "you're welcome." Then, if they want to complain about you, it will go down like this:

Customer: This employee is rude. She said, "You're welcome."

Boss: So?

Customer: So, I did not say thank you.

.....

"You're welcome" is the new "fuck you." You're welcome.

2009-12-21T00:02:00.012-05:00

Social Tip #179 - Who Knew, The Storm?

Someone told me that I completed my boyfriend like a turbulent storm to the calm ocean, where I am the storm. Storm. Does an ocean need a storm? People move toward oceans and away from storms. Shouldn't there maybe NOT be a storm?

I went to look into the benefits, maybe having a storm has benefits, and I typed "storm" and "benefits" in a search engine and it was all benefits being held for storm victims and survivors.

Um... storms bring out the charity in people? The ocean kills people, too. A storm is made out of the ocean. The ocean is a storm. It's all water. We're seventy-five percent water. Isn't each of us a miniature storm? Ocean.

“They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.” - Dorothy Parker

2009-12-19T19:42:00.010-05:00

Social Tip #178 - ST ENDS

I have a friend who is generous to an annoying fault, spending money on me that neither of us can afford and making it impossible for me to return the favor without throwing myself into debt. It comes from a good-natured place, she really wants to be the best person. But to achieve that she has to make everyone else be not the best person.

Congratulations, you get to be the only friend in our friendship.

2009-12-10T13:05:00.010-05:00

Social Tip #177 - Eating Fake Meat is in Pork Taste

Scientists are growing pork out of stem-cells now. Finally, the no-pig-eating rule is all making sense; God didn't want us to quit eating bacon, he just wanted us to stay away from the pink hunk in the petri dish. The race is on as scholars search ancient texts for answers to our newest religious dilemma: are stem-cells kosher?

Some people say they would never eat something that was grown with the same science that grew an ear on a rat's back. I say good. More stem-cell sausage for me. That sounds like the fountain of youth.

2009-12-08T13:54:00.005-05:00

Social Tip #176 - Throw Away The Night

Last night a friend said that blacking out was the worst part of drinking.

Blacking out is the worst part of drinking? What about remembering you got raped? Blacking out is the best part of drinking.

2009-12-06T21:28:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #175 - Beg, Barstow, or Steal

"That Kool-Aid is the only thing keeping the Ritalin working."

-Marc, the only mechanic in Barstow*, speaking of his son who had a permanent red stain around his mouth.

*Barstow is a freeway-exit town whose only commerce is accommodating the traffic that blows between the two most damned cities in the country, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. A few years ago I got stuck in Barstow on the way back from a Vegas trip that involved eating an entire rotisserie chicken in the shower with my friends while we hot-boxed the bathroom with pot smoke and steam. That should have been the most disgusting meal of my life, but a two day stint in Barstow provided the opportunity to have all my meals at the only restaurant in town, Mollie's Kountry Kitchen, a place where the waitress cleaned the tables by wiping them down with her bare hands.

2009-11-28T15:45:00.012-05:00

Social Tip #174 - You Can Never Go Back

I went to visit my old elementary school, but when I got there it had changed its name from "Desert Shadows" to "Liberty" and I didn't recognize any of the structures.

I disregarded the no-trespassing sign and hopped a fence to investigate the changes. I had my speech all planned out in case I was approached by security. You can't arrest me, I'm a Liberty alumna, only in 1985 it was called Desert Shadows. I always thought "Desert Shadows" was a depressing name for an elementary, it's a constant reminder that everyone who lives here has to hide in dark crevices to prevent the sun's constant x-ray exposure. But it is still better than "Liberty." If anyone, it is those on the school board who should be apprehended for allowing a war-time name change to proselytize young children into blindly following the American creed. Five years old is too soon for liberty or death.

Later, I learned that my old school hadn't changed at all, I was just at the wrong school.

(actual Desert Shadows Elementary shadow)

2009-11-27T13:11:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #173 - Fuck The System

Watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. Everyone on the show is beautiful and talentless, which is a mistake. The motivation is all wrong; if these people actually get better, they can't be on TV anymore.

The show should be entirely recast; it would be way more interesting to watch seven ugly people stand around an explain how they tricked enough people into sleeping with them to develop an addiction in the first place.

2009-11-26T23:46:00.000-05:00

Social Tip #172 - Be Prepared

Before I get started, I want to point out where the exits are so that when the next terrorist act occurs, I won't have to trip over you on the way out.

-Me at any live performance

2009-11-21T12:15:00.000-05:00

Social Tip #171 - No Moleste

Did you hear about that drive-by molestation? It was really touch and go there.

2009-11-17T21:14:00.005-05:00

Social Tip #170 - Give A Man A Fish

You can lead a horse to water, but once it's done drinking, it will still piss like a horse.

2009-11-17T13:03:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #169 - Don't Ride The C Train

Statistics show that I'm more likely to throw myself in front of a train than die of lung cancer.

Riding the C Train = Gettin' Cancer

2009-11-13T20:17:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #168 - Recognize Your Mistakes

Do you ever date someone and they look into your eyes like you are the answer to all of their problems and all you can think is, fuck, I need to stop dating my best friend's little brother?

*Photo by Derek

2009-11-12T11:36:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #167 - Be A Good Sport

I watched the World Series, I can't believe major league baseball players have to hi-5 the other team after they lose. They might as well make prosecutors high-5 the the player's defense attorneys after getting them off of rape charges.

Goodgamegoodgamegoodgamegoodgamegoodgamegoodgamegoodgame.

2009-11-10T18:13:00.004-05:00

Social Tip #166 - Rinse And Repeat

"Having a vagina is a pre-existing condition."

-My friend Ruben, warning me about the public option's abortion policy

2009-11-10T00:19:00.005-05:00

Social Tip #165 - Look At This

Patrick Swayze as a centaur.

2009-11-09T23:09:00.007-05:00

Social Tip #164 - Stretch Yourself

Am I reaching for the stars?

No, I wouldn't say reaching... I'm stretching for the stars. It's more like a yawn. Don't wake me, I'm dreaming about reaching for the stars.

2009-11-04T11:35:00.001-05:00

Social Tip #163 - Don't Space Out

A Barcelona-based company is moving forward with plans to open the world's first space hotel in 2012, guests will pay 4.4 million for for a three-night stay in orbit.

Finally, science has found a way for trash to shoot itself into outer space.

2009-11-02T23:37:00.009-05:00

Social Tip #162 - Euphemize Me

I don't know if I'm late on this but, C.C.H Pounder? That's a woman and that's her name? She sounds like an NBA player's whole evening: the Burger Sandwich he orders and what he did to her at the end of the night.

Those C.C.H. Pounder charges won't stick.

2009-11-02T19:55:00.008-05:00

Social Tip #161 - Dissolve The Phrase

Wheel of Fortune went to historic Boston this week. The talented lineup: Crazy-Eyed Tina who constantly requested the letter "Ahh," Lena the Snore, and abusive alcoholic (just a guess) Todd, who cursed in the left corner of the screen while Tina was winning. When asked to introduce his family, Todd said, "This is my gorgeous wife, Kathy."

Nice try. If a woman is gorgeous, you don't need to announce it. And how demeaning.

I doubt his wife introduces him with, "This is my handsome husband, Todd."

Todd was hot.

2009-11-02T16:05:00.006-05:00

Social Tip #160 - Write What You Know

That's what the experts say.

Unfortunately, all I know is to write what I know.

2009-10-31T12:03:00.002-04:00

Social Tip #159 - Check Yourself

Whenever I go to the public library, I am awed by all of the books. There are so many books and they all look really boring. Sometimes, out of excitement, I settle myself in a corner with huge stacks of them for closer inspection and they are. They are really boring.

I never check anything out, it is too incriminating. Any time a serial killer is caught he always has a steady library record.

2009-10-28T23:14:00.000-04:00

Social Tip #158 - Make 'Em Laugh

When telling a joke, never assume people know you aren't a racist.

2009-10-25T22:48:00.001-04:00

Social Tip #157 - Clear Up Confusion

I saw a basset hound taking a dump the other day, and I was like, is it?

2009-10-19T11:40:00.010-04:00

Social Tip #156 - Fight For Your Rights

I met a serviceman before he was sent off on his second tour of Iraq. I asked him why he got into the Army, he said, "I would rather die for my country than stay here to work for minimum wage."

Apparently $7.25 an hour is worth dying for, it's just not worth working for.

The military should pull recruits directly out of the low-paying retail and restaurant workforce, nothing motivates prejudice more than failure to tip.

2009-10-18T22:35:00.005-04:00

Social Tip #155 - Slide Into Home

If I were ever to become homeless, I wouldn't stay homeless.

Option One: Sneak into an old drafty mansion with lots of heavy drapery, pretend to be a ghost.

Option Two: The Peace Corps

Option Three: Hide under a child's bed, pretend to be a monster.

2009-10-17T15:47:00.000-04:00

Social Tip #154 - Learn Quantum Theory (Part Two)

I don't understand why the Catholic Church isn't more progressive about science. According to the laws of quantum physics, atoms never actually touch. It's the perfect defense:

"I never even touched that little boy."

2009-10-17T15:08:00.005-04:00

Social Tip #153 - Never Date a Comedian

I'm not looking for Steven Wright, I'm looking for Steven right now.

2009-10-13T13:22:00.008-04:00

Social Tip #152 - Learn Quantum Theory (Part One)

Quantum Theory dictates that all atoms are actually in multiple locations at once, and only settle on one location while being observed.

When I think about what that actually means about reality, why bother working?

Its like I told my boss, leave me alone. I wouldn't be staring off into space if you weren't observing it. You created this reality.

2009-10-13T12:54:00.005-04:00

Social Tip #151 - Seek And Ye Shall Find

All growing up I was told that teenage boys would try anything to sleep with me. And then, nobody tried anything to sleep with me.

My friend told me it was because I was intimidating.

I guess that's true. It is pretty intimidating to dress like a man and hide in the band room.

2009-10-13T10:48:00.005-04:00

Social Tip #150 - Help The Help

I saw a three piece band performing in front of the farmer's market, behind them was a sign:
Band For Hire.

I pulled a truck around and hired them to do some yard work.

Now the lawn sounds awesome.

2009-10-08T21:54:00.003-04:00

Social Tip #149 - Find Never-Ending Happiness

You want to know the best part about Olive Garden?

They don't MAKE you eat there.

2009-10-01T10:37:00.007-04:00

Social Tip #148 - Don't Be Afraid To Ask Stupid Questions

How does a snake know whether it is giving birth or has an erection?

"Hey look, it's a trouser me."

2009-09-27T21:24:00.002-04:00

Social Tip #147 - Keep Your Perspective

They say life is precious. Why? Why is it precious? Why is it so rare? It certainly doesn’t feel rare right now. As long as I've known it, life has never been anything but abundant.